The Miller's Tale

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The Canterbury Files – File #2: Disturbance at the Carpentier Home

By Nick Lasinsky, Haverford ‘23

Station Officer: Sergeant Jeff C. Hauser
Case File Manager: Corporal Harold Bailey Junior Cadet: Officer Nicholas Lasinsky

Canterbury, Kent, United Kingdom. Police Barrack Files. To be viewed by officers only.
Filed 4/1/2020.

Document #1: Interview with Mr. Johnathan Carpentier

[Proceedings conducted soon after incident. Mr. Carpentier retained in washtub and taken to interrogation room after attempts at extrication were met with physical aggression. Suspect appears to have damaged arms in fall.]

Officer Lasinsky (OL): Mr. Carpentier, can you recount for us the events of tonight?

John Carpentier (JC): Well I’d be blasted glad to know how long I gotta wait in this tub with my broken elbows till Nowell’s waters bring us all to the promised land!

(OL): Sir, there is no flood you need to be concerned about. You can rest assured that you’ll be safe here in the station. But we need you to give us an explanation of how you ended up suspended fifty feet in the air in your bathtub.

(JC): Well I reckon it was my boarder, that sweet young student Nick, who told me about the comin danger. Well he gave me good warning he did, and I prepared us all three tubs in fact at the top o the barn, ax and all, so that when the time came in the night me and him and my wife could all survive, likewise Nowell did.

(OL): So, you were under the impression, sir, that there was to be a flood tonight? A literal flood?

(JC): Reckon sure as I reckon I’m a married man.

(OL): But no flood came, correct?

(JC): No flood yet.

(OL): Yes, but…sir you’re aware that your boarder was lying to you as a diversion and that no flood materialized?

(JC): Right reckon there’s been no flood yet.

(OL): Yes, sir, but there’s no signs of any flood or indeed rainfall for the entire week. It’s the months of August, sir.

(JC): And when the flood comes and you squat at your prissy desk and see just how useless two arms are against Nowell’s mighty waters, you can hear me cackling by in my washbin right here, broken arms and all, on my road to salvation.

*long pause*

(OL): Mr. Carpentier are you aware that your wife has filed allegations of sexual assault against your boarder?

(JC): Nicholas? Well I’ll be daft and damned before I believe that that sweet boy would harm a hair on Alice’s head! Besides, I know the goings about of my household. I keep a sharp eye on the sky I do.

(OL): Mr. Carpentier, I really think this would be more profitable if you exited your washtub so that we can provide you with some documents to identify.

(JC): I’ll get out of my damned chariot to salvation when you pry my cold broken arms right out of it!

(OL): Sir, this is a command, not a request. Sir, please exit. Sir! SIR!

*Subject subdued and tasered repeatedly in the process of an assault on the serving officer. Proceedings terminated until further notice.*

Document #2: General Description of Crime Scene and Eyewitness Statements

Location: Residence of John and Alison Carpentier, as well as Nicholas Hende (boarder) Officer Summary: Scene showed general debris strewn about Carpentier barn, including fragments of multiple washtubs, axes, provisions for many days, and slashed ropes. Small traces of blood found on barn floor, likely belonging to Mr. Carpentier as a result of his injuries (DNA results incoming). Inside of carpentier house largely untouched but signs of a struggle present in bed sheets (severely ruffled) as well as water spilled on carpet (likely as a result of Mr. Hende’s injury). Window in bedroom left open. Flecks of fresh ash identified on windowsill, forensics in progress.
Statement of Mrs. Missy Eglantine: “Well, I was simply minding my business saying my nightly prayers when I heard the loudest scream for ‘water’ that I dare say my ears have ever witnessed, immediately followed by a monumental crash! I rushed to my window to get a better look, but all I saw was John’s wife running down the street away from her home. As for John himself, when I went to investigate, the poor man was unconscious, mumbling something about a flood…that was when I decided to alert the authorities.” Statement of Mr. Robyn Miller: “I tell ya I sorely regret I missed the grand finale of that night, but sure, if you wanna know what I saw as I walked by, it’s as plain as can be. I’m minding my own business, thinking of all the work I’ve gotta grind through, when I just happen to look up at John’s place and spot his pretty little pie of a wife leaning out the window - well I tell you that sight’s always worth a look. So I stop and sure enough there’s that student Nicholas Hende climbing up the balcony - but then I realized it wasn’t Hende at all! Instead it’s that queer Absolom and he’s climbing straight up, lips puckered, but then Alice, see, she turns right around and gives him a straight up faceful of hairy wet ass right into his open​ mouth [redacted] fit to keep him flossing for months!”​

Interview terminated. Witness, clearly intoxicated, warned to return home.

Document #3: Interview with Mr. Nicholas Hende

[Proceedings conducted soon after the incident. Suspect interrogated in ICU recovery floor, Kent & Canterbury Hospital. Suspected lightly sedated during course of interview as a result of injuries sustained.]

Officer Lasinsky (OL): Mr. Hende, we’d like to get directly to the facts tonight - how long have you been involved in an affair with Mrs. Alice Carpentier?

Nicholas Hende (NH): Well officer I first…suspects eyes appear to glaze over and a grimace appears on suspect’s face Ah shit my fucking ass feels like the devil decided to shove his burning hot dick right inside it.

(OL): Mr. Hende please stick to the questions you are being asked.

(NH): Alice and I have been going at it under that old man’s nose for weeks. That pisspot John’s so deluded you could tell him his mother was a unicorn and if you give him enough convincing he’ll start rubbing his forehead and ask you why he didn’t get a horn.

(OL): And how did your relationship with Mrs. Carpentier begin? Jesus there’s a lot of wires hooked up to you.

(NH): Oh Alice? I know how to get myself a woman officer. suspect appears to attempt a wink but is unsuccessful in closing of only one eye due to sedation You give her the right pushes, you nudge her here and rub her there and a couple words later she’s all yours.

(OL): I…see. And are you aware that Mrs. Carpentier has filed allegations of sexual assault against you?

(NH): What, Alice?! She would never - she’s mine, you mark my words, and I’ll make sure of that the second I get out of here.

(OL): Mr. Hende, was that a threat? I hope that you do understand that once you’re released from this facility you’ll be detained in the local barracks.

(NH): Oh, fuck you Lasinsky and all your fuzz friends.

(OL): Alright then, well Mr. Hende, I think it’s time to call it a night. I’ll be following up with your investigation tomorrow.

Officer attempts to leave location but is unable to self-extricate from surrounding wires. In the attempt officer spills his hot coffee onto suspect’s hospital gown and genitals, inducing a scream of pain from Mr. Hende. Officer apologizes profusely and then successfully extricates from bedside. Additional details on the current condition of Nicholas Hende incoming.